The mundane musings of a mindless mirage.

Long overdue update

2011-09-25T02:42:00.002-04:00

Where to begin? I'm working, part-time, and all is well in that department. I am *gasp* mentally stable for going on 3+ years now because of a host of medications that finally work. I suppose taking them helps too, but they didn't work all that well before so it's no wonder I wasn't as diligent about that part, though I was not as uncompliant as some may have thought.

Still living at home with Mom, but the good news is that we get along really well now. I've mellowed with age.

Decided that I am a very boring individual, so I generally don't contribute much to my old website or to blogs so I removed the poetry website that used to be under my name and I removed my old LJ account. I guess you could say a clean slate was in order. I kept this blog because I still like to have some memories of what I have written in some semblence of order. I also am on Facebook but I don't frequently update unless it's football season. Go Ravens!

Another reason for removing the old poetry website is that poetry now eludes me. I chalk it up to no longer having that 'unquiet mind' required to really write anything of substance. I miss it though.I'll try and update a bit more here, but no promises... I have a busy schedule called life.

Honeysuckle-- An erotic poem

2008-05-04T00:35:00.001-04:00

Honeysuckle

written April 21st 2008

Try me on for sizzle and size

Cover my hips with your lips and your lies

Call me sweet baby and feed me your fruit

The nectar of which I have never forsook

Oh sigh baby, sigh

That's the way from your feet to your thigh

I know how you like it

Oh yes baby, you cry

The arch of your back begs for mercy

As I pull you down further towards me

You simply beg for more and more

Barely breathing, I dive for more

I am enveloped by your tender sweetness

Captivated as I look up towards you

Looking down upon me lovingly

Biting your lip as I continue my journey

I close my eyes and take you into ecstasy
And in so doing, as the deepest sighs

Whispers and moans of sweet love escape

Our hands meet, as delicately interwoven

As our bodies lay upon each other

And we are one, forever.

Art for art's sake

2008-04-25T22:56:00.000-04:00

These are the three oil paintings that I have done so far. The last one is going to be carefully thought ou and sketched. Thing is I have zero idea what I want to do for it!! It's a 16x20 canvas so I want it to be special. Enjoy these in the meantime!

Anger and anxiety

2008-04-02T03:41:00.001-04:00

20 minutes ago I was about to bust a gasket in my head and in my heart... and my breathing techniques were not helping because I could simply not shut the hell up. I don't think I need to swallow my pride and say I was wrong to tell my mother that she is NOT taking care of herself because she simply isn't. I'm doing all the things I possibly can do to keep myself healthy both physically and mentally and she is maing it damn near impossible for me to think let alone get anything done. I am drained. I am emotionally torn and battered. Dad has told me in the past that I need to pray for her and for Joe and I think what he needs to realize is that they need to pray for themselves at this point. The only person I can save in this equation is me.

Selfish is it not? Sadly, it is true. All this self-sacrificing, self-loathing and black hole of a heart bullcrap has got to come to an end or else I will. I am reminded of the times that I got this bad almost 10 years ago when I was still in college, juggling the depression and the future, the fear of success an the possibility of loss. It is something I still cannot readily handle... not with this ball an chain on my foot... it's no longer an umblical cord. I truly am Prometheus chained to this mountain... and here all these many years (20+ since I chose that dramatic reading in school) I thought it was all just a a preconceived notion in my mind.

Rambling on fair readers... like there are more than a handful around. This journey of life is less what you make it than what it makes of you. The ebb and flow of the tides, the rise and setof the sun, we are all but ashes to ashes and dust to dust in the end. To make a difference is to enlighten many centuries of those to come after us.

As for my life, small ways are the best ways. Give, love, laugh and feel the ocean's spray against me once again.

Rosebush 2008!

2008-04-01T17:01:00.000-04:00

I love my roses, and just wanted to share the greenery that is beginning to show now that spring has sprung. I saw a female cardinal today perched on our backyard fence as well. Makes me realize all is right with the world.

When there are actual ROSES, I'll take a better picture, but this should suffice for now.

As for me... spring has sprung a leak in me, but I'm working hard to plug it up. (there are so many obvious jokes I could make, but I shall refrain)

Classes end soon... nervous about that, but I'm doing ok.

Paintings.... yep... in the plural!

2008-03-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

I have two oil paintings I am on which I am currently working. Now, you know I must be mad to work on two at one but the first was my version of the Dante's 'Inferno' of rage inside my mind and the second is more... sensitive and personal. My 'own get well soon' oil!

I need to buy supplies soon. One more brush, and two colors. How can I live without primary colors?

Family

2008-02-27T03:46:00.000-05:00

I have been blessed with friends that have become more like family to me than my family at times and still, that family when it comes down to the worst of it, can truly be there for me, provided I am still on the 'right track'. I guess where I am going with this, is that God understands that my right track isn't theirs and vice versa... and I wish at times that they'd understand that more often.

Psalm 27, Psalm 91 and Psalm 23 have become my steadfast readings as of late. As a dear friend once advised. I need to write them out longhand and really try to quench this anger. I've been painting instead right now.. my fingers and my hands have been hurting... you may find my posts fraught with typos... I shall try my best to catch them beforehand.

What to do, what to do?

2008-02-23T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've not been updating lately but I'll be leaving my job til summer, mom got a herself a job and I'm still rather mentally and physcially exhausted, mostly from wrapping my brain arounsome new schoolwork.

I'm excited about it, but it does bring out soe of my past demons I suppose. Just have to pick my battle and conquer as I go.

Until next update... adieu.

Sweeping into 2008

2007-12-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

Well It's alomst there, a brand new year.... out with the old, in with the new.... are you ready?

Hmm...

2007-09-23T03:48:00.000-04:00

after i dust for cobwebs in here i'll update this bad boy.

Four more days...

2006-07-24T23:12:00.000-04:00

Four more days until my younger brother moves into his own place. I have mixed emotions about this, but overall I'm happy for him. No more crazy family to interfere with his life and his own little bachelor pad to call home. On the other hand, I'll miss him. He's the rock, the stable guiding force of the family, and I don't know where I would be without his occasional big hugs when I am feeling crappy.

My apologies for no updates in a long time. I haven't been very poetic as of late, and even posting my older poems on christinamoyer.com has been a pain in the neck. The Sitebuilder thing that Yahoo has just does not wish to cooperate with me and the whole process has become increasingly frustrating. Perhaps I'll find my muse soon and post sooner rather than later.

My green thumb

2006-05-26T19:57:00.000-04:00

My rosebush looks just fabulous this year. I've mulched the front garden and even my gladiolas are starting to shoot up higher than I expected they should have by now. Once I can take half decent pictures of everything I will, though the azaleas have already blossomed, beautifully too.

This Monday is Memorial Day, a day to remember all our fallen heroes. I hope people take a moment out of whatever BBQ they have this weekend and pause for the real meaning of the holiday. I know I don't always remember, but I'm going to try.

That's all for now, don't hold your breath before my next one... you may turn greener than my thumb.

Eeeek! I forgot!

2006-05-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Emma's 1st Holy Communion and it almost totally slipped my mind. I need beauty sleep and a small gift. Gosh, how time flies... I can still see her at 2 barely walking towards me and all bundled up toget to my graduation party. Now it's bundle of energy... I feel so old.

Prayers and good thoughts for my friend's mom

2006-04-08T21:10:00.000-04:00

For Jen, and her family and friends, that Jen's mom fully recovers from her surgeries performed today. Thank you to the finely tuned surgical hands that have been blessed to care for Jen's mom, Connie. Please continue to bless her with good health so that she may be of service to others in need. Amen.

Goooo Lady Terps!

2006-03-24T00:50:00.000-05:00

Ya know, it's not often that I try and flaunt that girls do things better than boys do, once given the chance, but since I apparently knew it before anyone else, then yeah... Go Lady Terps!!! Go all the way to the championship and bring U of MD back a trophy to truly be proud of this time, and bring WNBA to Baltimore and Washington, DC while yer at it ok?

Now that that I got a wedgie for all that and other various things, the next time my brother thinks he can really kick my ass out of my mother's home, or force me to get overly and overtly angry because he cannot respect that I am just as modest and womanly as the next female, then he damn sight better get out of my way before I take a switch to his butt or hit him with a frying pan.

I could run circles around him in a kitchen and if given the flying leap?? I could floor him.

Lord, give me one more day, pretty please?

2006-03-16T03:20:00.000-05:00

Ya know, I am sometimes just too simple. I've decided, that's not a bad thing, it's just more like embroidery thread.

When I was a young woman, we'd make friendship bracelets with 5 full pieces of it. You could make it as colorful or as simple as you wanted, but for practical purposes it was 5 pieces of looped thread, tied and held by a friend (or my big toe at some points), and interwoven between my fingers.

When you break it down, it's 30 individual threads, intertwined with delicate care, made with much love, and when given, and knotted truly?

A ring of friendship for the wrist.

Early spring, chimes still ring, toraloralorah....

2006-03-14T06:34:00.000-05:00

I found some goodness today, some thoughts for the present, and still more presents for my future. In days I believe I can fly, St. Patrick himself smiles upon me.

Rest in Peace, Dana Reeve

2006-03-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Life, Loss, and Legacy

written March 8, 2006

a quiet memorial to Dana Reeve

The world had long since lost their Superman

His truest love must have cleaved herself deeper

Than she or this world thought

Her cancer was perhaps not due

She tarnished not her lungs

Her only love, to whom she gave breath

Time after time, somewhere before time, laid the test.

This is not some cruel tragedy

It is hopefully, what all sometimes happens

That a man and wife, are so deeply entwined

That the woman left behind, misses her Superman

And, despite her best attempts to carry on

Her heroic life will not be gone in vain

It was not by sheer accident they were married

Nor for naught they bore a son

Naming him Will, again no coincidence

Superman's progeny lives on

And with prayer-filled hearts and minds

Worth more than pockets of kryptonite

Our hands clutch our own hearts

Heads bowed,

As grief, of someone not know to many,

Is raised, to be held under her husband's arm

To fly like falcons, eagles, seagulls, or doves

And Will, with nerves or steel and courage of heart

To keep their dreams alive inside him.

Please Jimmy, say it ain't so!

2006-03-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/entertainment/music/14031737.htm

I just came across this while doing a few other things this morning so I thought I'd share. To think, an 'End of the World Tour' by one of the greatest loudest t-shirt legends in his time... I'm just gonna have to say, it's been nice to hear ya, and it ain't over yet... from one parrothead to another.

No time online for awhile

2006-03-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

This week I have a few things to get accomplished that will keep me offline for a significant portion of my day. Regrettably so, because I have so much to say, but I cannot afford to inundate my brain with an information overload. Upon my return I will come full circle, I hope, and be a bit more at peace with this nonsensical planet and the silly people who have it figured out.

Wikipedia makes so much more sense, so three cheers to them and I hope to make a contribrution to them soon. Tata!

And so goes that which life is living

2006-03-02T08:06:00.000-05:00

In the shadow of all my disbelief throughout my life there would be one answer: osmosis.

My speedracing days are over but I learned them well enough to take the turns, twists and kick butts in the processing. I've always wondered what the difference was and my only answer is I am only a sponge, from which my mind is beautiful, yet different enough to be thankful for.

Sad are the tears I cry, because they only exist in the face of pressures unknown but well loved.

2006-02-26T23:12:00.000-05:00

God bless Baltimore.

Gumption versus gumbo

2006-02-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

Almost forgot... Baltimore flag courtesy of the aforementioned site.

The gifts we give in the name of God...

2006-02-26T03:12:00.000-05:00

What could I ever offer a world of just petty squabbles over who is so darn right and who has money in whose country for the purposes of domestic and foreign terror?

I feel ashamed and angry. In the back ground I have the local radio telethon for Johns Hopkins Children's center. I don't have that leeway yet in my budget, but I pray that my meagar offering of simply placing it on the table of human existence is enough for God sometimes.

I cry too much these days... the pain so great that while this is not a fight that rests solely on my shoulders, I refuse to bow down or cow tow to the likes of men (and women) that insist that man's ways are above reproach. There is not a single human life on this earth worth that type of total destruction.

Sadness lies in the heart and soul of those who risk it all so that the Truth that is the word made flesh that they make deals with the devil himself? Oh hell no. Evil like that is deplorable, on EITHER end.

I have some recent occurences that have seemed alot more overblown than they truly are. My medications are having a difficult time rectifying themselves with my bodily functioning. That and the pains are everywhere... joint, neck, lower back. I am not taking anything for pain right now because I need to make sure how best to deal with those pains.

I don't know how many might pay any attention to this blog at all, but I welcome appropriate input.

Happy trails to you......

Petty squabbles versus hardcore truth

2006-02-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

My previous brickhouse post has resulted in one hell of a migraine and 3 packs of cigarettes. There goes that token Lenten gesture out the window and throwing caution to the winds.

Hardcore truth, the odd behavior issues I have right now are in the light of many 'truths', indicative of a huge greater problem. I'm getting to the point that one day I'll be sitting here and get shot simply for having my computer too close to my window. For those of you either concerned for my safety or those who find me lying, stop your worrying. I am not some fool, I simply know when I have had enough of the bullcrap and when it is time to stand and fight together for the welfare of our children, our city, our state and yes, for the great nation that needs to remain the United States of America. The politicking of it all is something I can rest firmly in their hands. I trust my senators as well as my congressman. I write to them in all methods available and I call them on matters of importance. Apart from that, I friggin take voting seriously. That's where I apparently made the mistake of throwing a Republican governor with zero conscience for matters of national security. Woohoo... I'll vote him out of office too, the brat.

City scandals are a bountiful source of mind boggling proportions. I can barely watch without flinching anymore. I am not some deer caught in those headlights either. I walk, I exercise as best my joints can handling it, and I stand firmly planted here, no matter what others think. I personally know how well God's love can lift us up to the heavens above and shine his redeeming love in our lives. There is no describing it to others, so there is no use in trying. What is useful is the power of prayer and the continued yearning for God's truth in life. I am still learning, praise God.

She's a brick..house

2006-02-25T06:13:00.000-05:00

Talk about the stonewalls of social disarray! Whew... what a week. If all is swell for the moments I take one at a time, then sure as tomorrow, I'll make it. I'm living minute to minute... not baby steps, but back to crawling. I grow leery and weary of the mixed metaphors, but it's a new world, and I can decipher the truth when need be. That's all I need on my plate at times. My inspiration comes from within at odd moments, but its unexplainable to me and too many others. I do not believe in coincedences. God must be my master and Christ my Redeemer and King. When the fire of the Spirit comes down... back to basics.

I'd like a solid comparison of the difference between paranoia and complete and utter stupidity. ASAP if you please... I am contemplating taking my butt down to the harbor with a white board and a dry erase marker to tell Bush how stupid this port thing is and not say a blessed word. Whoa is the mime who uses her white board as a weapon of conscience...

Three cheers for the Daytona 500!

2006-02-19T17:05:00.000-05:00

Apparently when I drive oddly it is a result of poor choices in completely lousy weather conditions in a city known for potholes and bad road repairs. When a group of men get together for a wonderful sport called NASCAR they get slapped for overagressive driving when a number of factors could be the case. I wonder if like my traffic tickets, they get their day in 'NASCAR court?'

Today has been rather uninteresting ways but altogether good. My LJ contains a rant and a thank you to those concerned about my well being, but all I'll do is reiterate the thank you to all those sweet friends I call my family.

I almost feel 17 again, angst-ridden against the colorful tapestry that is life, hopeful against the clouds that both illuminate and hide my love for others, and skeptical of that which is beyond strange and more into the realm of secretive, hurtful, and ultimately damging to society.

My high school confidante from then and now would remind me of her "Trust no one, question everything" mantra that changed very little into her own adulthood. Then I would naturally remind her of her own favorite novel, "To Kill a Mockingbird" and we'd be done with that reflection into yesteryear.

Lent is fast approaching, and I am thinking of various things to try and give up for it. I'd imagine if I could successfully give up cigarettes for it cold turkey without the patch, that would be a great sacrifice, and not entirely unrealistic. Big investments would only be bottled water and some good 'cleansing' juices for my palette. I'll have to ponder that.

Oh well, listening to a Morrissey: Live at Earl's Court which I just love to pieces. Depressing but just... perfect in my head at times. Anyways, gonna chill and listen to that for now. Toodles!

New poem, new hopes

2006-01-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

Cutting your losses

When is it right?
When is it wrong?
Will you leave me tonight?
Or will you string me along?

I understand the reason
Sometimes love is only a season
The fire's been lit a long time
No one ever understands the reason or rhyme.

If you stay today, stay tomorrow
If you want my love, with it comes sorrow
Like a long winter before spring
I beg you not to change one thing.

Lover mine, friend most dear
Hold my hand as you face your fear
Pray with me with both our hearts
For God to reveal His own True Heart.

Don't listen to me
Just be still, you'll see
Listen
Shhhh
Listen
Hush, no tears
Listen
Hush, no fears

He loves you more
More than I could ever dream
He's told you that before
His love is so much more than I seem

Did you hear?
Did you listen?

Lean on Him first
Lean on Him when life's at its worst
Leaning on me is not the same
Than leaning on Him in Christ's Holy name.

Let me go, I won't be lost
I lean on Christ when tempest's tossed
I know deep down, you need Him too

He lies inside your eyes so blue.

Oldie but not exactly goodie

2006-01-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

I came upon this oldie while cleaning out a tote full of memorabilia. Not exactly a 'good' poem, but definitely captured some of the worst of my angst-ridden days. Reminds me to strive to write a few poems when I am not depressed or euphorically in love. Well, I'll always be euphorically in love, but at least I can choose not to write too many love poems.

A Trite Sonnet

written 6/15/97

There's something eating my heart

Like a fungus spreading over bread

Something is causing me great dread

I fear that my soul is being torn apart.

So I attempt to write Shakespearean sonnets

With different meter and verse.

I fear I have not quite come upon it

My attempts just fall short of perverse.

No matter how I wish my words to flow

In my heart and thoughts, it just doesn't go.

When the tears begin to fallupon my chest

My poetry is far from its very best.

I wish sometimes these feelings would go away

I do not know if I can stand it another day.

My poetry so sophomoric and trite

Like a child do I now write.

Football in Heaven

2006-01-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

Football in Heaven

It wasn't long ago you left us

With Irish eyes twinkling their last

I cried thinking I'd never see you

Never know your loving presence again.

Well Grandma, you proved me wrong

It's playoff season in football

And I hear the Irish chimes tinkling

And watch the team from your city of birth.

I used to not cheer for those Steelers

It was sacrilgous for a Raven fan

But right now, feeling you nearby

I cheer without shame, for a Steeler win.

See, I understand that up there somewhere

You and grandpa are relaxing on cloud 9

Cheering on the Black and Gold to victory

So all that is left for me to do is cheer with you.

God bless the Steeler fans long past

In the city, my grandparents fell in love

Today, I cheer for them, because I love you

Irish eyes smiling down at me.

Both my paternal grandparents were originally from Pittsburgh. Grandpa would go to church with my grandma (she passed away last summer). In church he'd trace his finger on the back of her hand while she was saying the rosary. Trace words like I love you and sweet stuff like that. I can just imagine right now, they are cheering on the Steelers, and so I feel just for this playoff season, I need to cheer them on as well. I miss grandma alot, but I still feel her wisdom with me at times that I can't even explain. This poem's for her, while I'm watching the Steelers win the game so far. I love you grandma.

The art of throwing dishes

2006-01-18T03:39:00.000-05:00

Earlier this evening, I got angry enough to want to hurt people. While I have always been an angst-ridden type of woman, this time my anger refused to go inward and thereby hurt myself byt succumbing to the proverbial 'bottling up'. Apparently my mother took my tone wrong and promptly tried to punish me like a 3 year old, and took my library books back to drop slot at the library. Now this sounds as ludicrous as it is, I'm way too old for such nonsense, and the reason I live with my mother is the same as my brother's : cheap board, no real 'rules', and easier to keep an eye on mom.

So, because I had decided to get books out to assist me in my reading skills offline, I damn near busted blood vessels in anger. Instead, for what I believe is the first time ever at least in my mother's presence, I flung dishes. First I threw the plate like a frisbee into the front door and against the wall. That felt good, I must admit, but not as good as the next dish: a bowl. Now you may be reading this and wondering, what the hell? It's been quite a few hours and I have calmed down, as has my mother. She, in fact, refuses my apologies for dish-breaking because she would rather me throw a dish than hurt myself or anyone elsein a fit of such rage. Of course, there is much more that contributed to the dish throwing, but for now the air is clear and full of a calmer presence.

Just to sort of conclude, the real art of throwing dishes came into play with the bowl. In one fluid movement, I dumped the spoon out of said bowl and flipped upside down in my hand before throwing it like a ninja star at the same point the plate went. Mom found it comical afterwards, that I managed not to throw the spoon. I guess it just goes to show how much 'fun' dysfunctional can be.

2006-01-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

Just me

New poem for index page- His Princess

2006-01-15T17:41:00.000-05:00

His Princess

She sat upon her dais, waiting
Her knight in shining armor surely would come
Her long blonde tresses anticipated his strong hands
To run through them before he swept her from her feet.

The knight rode swiftly on his dark steed,
To his long awaited rendezvous.
He had dreamt of this moment,
Of rescuing his princess and taking her as his bride.

He arrived at her steep tower,
And he alighted from his steed,
To begin his precipitous climb.
Footholds and handholds, he mastered each one.

His armor cumbersome, he tossed it below him
And less encumbered, he reached his final destination.
A sharp gasp escaped him as his eyes gazed on his love.
The princess, who he had dreamt of, who had dreamt of him,
Lay quiet and pale upon her dais.

“My love,” he whispered, “I have arrived.”
With much effort the princess looked toward him.
“My love, my darling, I must continue to but dream of you.”
The knight shook his head; he couldn’t be too late.
“Come to me,” she spoke as she gasped for breath.

The knight, his countenance dark with despair,
Flew to her side, and knelt beside her, tears in his eyes.
“Dream of me, watching over you,
And loving you until we meet again.”

With those words, she collapsed in his arms,
Covered in his tears, as he sobbed and wailed in disbelief.
“Noooo!!” he cried, desperately in pain and grief.
He laid her back down on the dais
Buried his head in his hands and wept.
Wept until his face was salt streaked with dried tears,
And in utter exhaustion, he collapsed in her arms.
Ready for her to take her with him.
“Please” he whispered, “please take me to her.”

But the agony would not leave
Nor would his existence in this life.
With heavy heart he trod down to his stallion,
Mounted and rode away, to grieve and mourn
His dream, his life, his love,
He caught but a glancing of her face, her gaze
Full of love, hope, and longing for him.

The dark knight in shining armor
Rode away into the night
Never to love again, only his true love,
His princess, held his heart.

Football, man is it Grrrr-eat

2006-01-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

I slept through the whole Panthers v Giants game today, but woke up to catch the Steelers v Bengals. Now I am not one to root for the Steelers, but I just had a small inkling that today maybe I should. I was already happy about the earlier Panthers win, so I settled down to watch the game. Pretty darn good game over all, though it was a shame about Carson Palmer going down after the 2nd snap of the game.
I don't think it was a cheap shot, so good game, Steelers won and go on to play the Indy Colts.

All hail the Ravens
Rock on purple and black!
When it comes to Indy
Go on the gold and black!
Revenge is the Steelers
Go get 'em Squealers!

Best I could do. What can I say? What do Mayflowers bring? Steeler Super Bowl rings! (Since it can't be ours this time, why not?)

Preparing for another battle

2006-01-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

I am not one to believe in certain branches of medicine. I get to visit a doctor I trust tomorrow. I am taken the meds as prescribed, gotten weird feelings of reactions that I do NOT feel are good for me, and I'll find out some of it tomorrow. I hope. I think I have slept way too much this last week, upwards of 15 hours per day. Now I am willing to give up certain habits to be healthy, but not all at once, and I certainly do not believe I need to be subject to my mother's views all the time. In my house, this would be known as going to my room as an adult and leaving her alone. It works well for my brother and I, and she is generally okay with that so long as nothing messes up her version of an oasis.

Such is not reality, and I am troubled. I am heartened by friends and family not in her circle of reality (she'll believe what she wants without me or not). And so it continues.

I will blather less and less as it goes on... with or without her cooperation in how I take care of my debts. Until then, I need to do my relaxation techniques.

Ciao!

Link to poems and then some

2006-01-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

Poetry

Well that's what I have so far on the ongoing webpage. Input is welcome. I'm not an expert on building a webpage (or a blog), but it's interesting to learn something a bit new.

Two differently themed poems have been running through my mind. The second is much more train of thought, and hard to pin down to put into words. Strangely my hands just don't want to do much, like they have a mind all their own, typing or fingers locked as I sleep. It's like I feel oddly silenced, both in speaking in real life, and in speaking online. It's ok, just weird.

Tomorrow I go to the vampire and spend way too long in line awaiting my 3-4 tubes of blood being taken to check the levels of these poisons they make me take. I am rather frightened, unusually so. The new medicine is producing jerky movements that are usually called tardive dyskenisia. I'm sure I spelled it wrong. It only lasts for about 90 minutes and I sorta half asleep call out in pain or whatever. I get scared when I scream and don't realize why until someone hushes me and I try to fall back asleep. Called the team at the clinic and they tell me to keep taking it, but my heart feels like it will pound out of my chest at times. All I can do is pray, and pray some more.

What the..?

2006-01-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

New year, new solutions to same old same old. The good news is my best gal pal from high school is starting a business. I am overjoyed for her; she has worked awfully hard for this opportunity. Once I find out more, I am fairly certain I will be wowed by her efforts.

I'm working on a new poem, that hasn't made it out of my head yet, so I may lose it and find myself writing another, different one. Time will tell. For now I must remind myself of these words: mountain fog mist molehill marmoset smiles

Odd conglomeration but it will jog me later.

That's all folk's, carpe diem and all that stuff.

Blah Blather

2005-12-31T18:04:00.000-05:00

Watching what I want, when I want and with a cig in my mouth... judge away!

Happy New Year's Eve

2005-12-31T17:42:00.000-05:00

Watching Stargate Atlantis by accident. Must remember to send off one gift (belated) and tell mom that her friend is stopping by next weekend. *deep sigh* I'm half asleep and woke up late, weird meds they best take me off of soon, there is just only so much my heart and bloodstream can take. Forget the mind, I haven't wasted it, they've tried controlling too many aspects of it. I am still blessed with how it works, with auditory recall that could make some minds spin or maybe just tick them off. That's not my problem, they aren't protecting me (they being the doctors) God protects me. I've got books to peruse and plant the seeds of hope to others in my own way, not theirs. It's most simplistic if you really think on it, it is based in the knowledge that God is sovereign first, then what follows from that is what matters. I could have escaped this 'situation' long ago if I was what many say 'smart' about it. I chose to stay because I know better... my mom needs me to help her, my brother needs me to not help, but be there so it doesn't fall on his shoulders. It's a sacrifice, and I whine, but it's ultimately the choice I make right now, until I hear better from God. Or the Holy Spirit's guidance ya know?

Anyways, it's time to pay the bills slowly because I chose to be responsible for them and not declare bankruptcy. It was just not enough to do that, I'm not that foolish. I need the government people to send me the right forms for alot of stuff and I'm no longer patient for that. I have been tossed in the ocean enough without a paddle and it's just gotta work. Period.

Did I mention Happy New Year? Well... God is great, I'm alive and still typing, but my back, my knees and my right elbow need fixing. God is good, because I have family and friends who love me enough to care for my heart and my physical needs. God is also the ultimate authority in whom I trust. End of discussion I suppose.

No new resolutions except to pay better attention to my anger and manners. God bless.

1..2..3 Just a test

2005-12-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Let's see if this works.. if not I may have to start all over again.

Not so mundane news....

2005-12-27T14:52:00.000-05:00

Can I scream or kick a temper tantrum yet? Direct defiance for another day and in another way I suppose. Peaceful resistent within one's own brain or with one's spirit, soul and heart? Oy. I just finished enough of a decent Christmas to feel blessed... I'd swear they wanted my anger unleashed.

Since I am reminded...

2005-12-26T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'll tell a small portion of yesteryear (long ago.. more than I care to remember) a special shout out to my first boyfriend Mica. He dared to dream bigger than the average kid on the block, and even when we parted ways, he was still bucking the system as best he could. I have a coffee without the sugar but with my favorite cream here beside me for such a toast! You and your family were a blessing in our lives, one I think only a few of us fully understand. My dad would have told us to all go into the lemonade business together, but we hated my dad in those days. MY toast to you, and every one over yonder where ya sit wondering where the next paycheck is gonna come from! We roamed, we wandered, we took our hits the hard way... and hope for us is still alive and well here where we sit. I loved you with schoolgirl kisses and a sneak behind a few dumpsters... just because it was how it was then. Funny how the time flies when you come back home to hear the same messages written on the wall.

Funny how language itself develops into a labeling system for a whole new generation of concepts. Scary yet still familiar. Old, yet new and reborn. I guess having children may do that to someone, or just seeing them develop over time as a confidante or close friend. It makes your heart ache and break at the same time and realize... maybe I don't need this total picture over here after all. Maybe I can really make it even if my road is different and rarely tiptoeing through tulips. Oh well... new year coming up on the horizon. I'll decide when the thoughts make more sense to me. =)

yawn again

2005-12-26T18:43:00.000-05:00

Yellfest results in leftover turkey and rice courtesy mom. Weird way to work let me be honest. Must remember the goal is semi down the middle with respect to 2.... onward I trek on!

List of things to do for me tomorrow

2005-12-23T00:31:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is already here, but I need the list somewhere I will actually look and not have to worry about losing it later.

Wakeup
Soak in tub for back
Eat a darn good breakfast
Watch my manners with mom, she's got her own issues
Keep away from anything negative (for me)
Go to doc and bring the whole kit and kaboddle in writing to them
Speak honestly, yet again, and see what they say
Don't overreact ... just don't
Come home after appt and take my deep breathes
Relax and leave the rest to God, again.
Long aromatherapy and deep breathing again.
Sleep.

The list is too long....

2005-12-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

It occured to me today that while debating the demons of my family with a neighbor and my own mother that I have no shot in hell of helping anyone learn forgiveness of my dad because forgiveness is also in the eye of the beholder. I was taught many years by family structures and even mom, that dad was good at one time. Now that grandma has passed away this last August, I find myself leaning on the memories of fruitcake recipes shared, silver polishing, stern correction of grammar, punctuation, and handwriting. I am a better woman for having gotten closer to grandma's heart the last 5 years of her life.

Two memories I'd like to share... when I was in my early 20's, my grandmother took me to a small restaurant beside an equally small town movie theatre... over a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk lunch for me, she inquired about my love life. I was shocked... no.. I was mortified. I could not believe she was asking anything at all about it, but I respectfully answered her. I was no longer in a relationship with my ex g/f, but we remained friends of sorts and I missed her (my ex). Then she leaned into the table and told me something I will hold on to for the rest of my life. Paraphrased she said, "No matter what anyone says Chris, I will be behind you 110 % " I cannot begin to tell you how choked up I get when I even think about those words, about how impacting they were on my life. She'd always been behind us, we were her son's children and mom was forever her daughter in her own heart. But she was 110% percent behind me... she loved me THAT much.

Second memory is more recent, more closing in thought than in heart and mind. I demanded at least 5 minutes alone with grandma from my own mom in a tone I could only best describe as insistent and loud. I got those 5 minutes, mom left to go smoke by the car and let me be. I thank God for that, for it was the last time I saw her sweet Irish eyes. It was late July, it was too muggy to bring her outside for a breath of fresh air, and she had just had her nails done for her, but not her hair (I took this as a bad sign). She was in an air mattress type of bed that reduces bed sores or something of that concept, the constant hiss of the oxygen tank and the bed melded into some monstrosity that could only be explained as deafening to me and grandma both. I spoke in a lower but audible tone to her as I knelt beside her bed and openly wept against her torso. She caught my glance and tried to comfort me with hushed tones and I told her I loved her. She gave me her knowing look with a mixture of sadness and love added to it, and said "I know, baby, I know" Now I may not have the exact quote right, but the term of endearment was only for me, no other. She knew how much I hurt to see her hurting, she knew how much it hurt that there was so much pain in that side of the family and how much that has affected me, and my mother and brother as well. The sins of forefathers if you will grant me a touch of liberty.

I've had to stop 3 times to wipe away tears, but the point of it all is that this is my first Christmas without her, a pain felt by many, a grief that holds on you until certain wounds have healed, until a certain closure has been met. Grandma's gift to me, the truest, was her trust in my ability to always get back up and try again, no matter how deep the cut, emotional or physical. She trusted in my very spirit as she understood it, and in the truth of Christ that she shared along her and my grandfather's journey of life. I feel the torch being passed in a sense, to me as to the rest of my 'generation' for lack of a better term, that says 'Come follow me, we still have hope on our side.' I trust in that gift of the Holy Spirit or 'angels' or whatever anyone who reads this chooses to make of it. I will bend, but I won't break, because Christ already bought our lives with his own. I praise God for that gift, in so many ways, that it boggles my mind.

In friendship, love and loyalty,

Christina

Heh

2005-12-22T14:34:00.000-05:00

My brother received an amusing gag gift at work yesterday.... an alarm clock that will vibrate under your pillow too! I am amused, while he is ... well... definitely not amused. I guess he had it coming to him seeing as we woke him up so much the neighbors could hear us! I love that someone beat me to that punch... he would have punched me maybe (at least yelled) if I tried that one for his gift. I can hear Mom vacuuming downstairs... another good noise as I type things and thoughts. I will put my efforts in up here in the bathroom and hallway.. shut her room up so I can save my plans for Mom's room until later. I really need to know exactly what the deal is with her knees... if it's arthritis than it can be a simple solution.

I took a poll on my tastes in some of the simpler things around e today... I'll see later how that works out. I love a place that has a little bit of everything for everyone... just know that standards are different for everyone everywhere. Still love a good french fry... still call it a french fry unless it's curled up and in that case it's a curly fry. I could go on, but that would be stupid.

Best girl friend for 16 years asked me to look for theatre tickets for her mom, I asked her if she was insane, how on earth would I show her that right now. I gave her 24 hours as my own deadline, but I suspect she can find it on her own. For someone with nothing to offer, I sure have alot of responsibilities.

Merry Christmas to me!

Elrod Hendricks passed away

2005-12-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

WJZ here only had a moment before they switched to Letterman to inform us of his passing. If you hate baseball, my fondest memories are rather simple. An old worn baseball hat given to me by my grandmother who just passed, because they loved the O's, being hit in the head by a foul ball and never getting the ball or the courtesy of it being noticed that it bounced off my head, I could care less... twas' my first real live game and I was 7, enthralled with the popcorn, rather than the game at that time. Snooze ya lose ya know? I was blessed with everything baseball, the bats, the balls on warehouse rooftops, the annual collection of balls that remained on the roof. I would have made a hell of a DH if I could run faster than the ball. I used to hit the ball next to the convent (JV Softball) and because I hit it so hard the coach at the time decided it was time to change directions for practice because it would be dangerous for drivers. Thanks to the wisdom of the School Sisters of Notre Dame and the Daughters of Charity, my high school has become an excellent beacon of change for young girls/women. There lies wisdom in those dedicated eyes of nuns without rulers but with strict guidelines. I truly believe that in my heart, lest any of you think I am jesting.

I think ... and please ... just hear me out... that some of the most simple plans are made by the nuns, not by the priests, cardinals, or popes. Nuns hold the things as mothers would, with gentleness and grace. The tow the line and speak carefully and carry a bigger stick than a simple ruler. Heck... I know if I opened my mouth long enough I'd have enough nuns here to carry me off and make me take a vow of forced silence *big grin full of love and Christmas spunk*

But the point lies here... sometimes the good men are the least appreciated until they are gone, and sometimes best remembered in the quiet of one's heart or poetry. Elrod Hendricks was that kind of man, he was a pitching coach, for a team that we hold hope on, that in and of itself shows how wondrous God is for all of us.

God bless my Bobby...

2005-12-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

He never fails to brighten up my darker side and today was no exception. No matter how much I babbled, he gently prodded me to speak more clearly and in my own 'voice' rather than the stammering I've been reduced to these days. 14 years of history between us, you'd think he was more like family than my own, and many days that assumption would be correct. The mistletoe is hitting the fan in my house with little end in my sights. Perhaps it will feel different by the weekend, but my mother's spark is barely smoldering, so I doubt it.

I'm listening to a mix of my soul searching songs, though I think my soul is still on target, I need some help on bending to the will of what's around me so I can have peace and harmony. I guess that's why I installed a lock on my bedroom door. Quiet solitude, without the infringement of miserly and hypocritical family members. Sorry, that's how I feel about it all.... we have been blessed but cannot be bothered to help someone else? Screw that. I feel so much shame about it because I am a part of this family. One day when I'm rich...ha!

In any event, Bobby brought me a Christmas gift, HUGE box full of : 3 different cross-stitching kits, body scrubs of coconut and chocolate, and the clincher-- a dolphin musical fountain. Awesome! I went and bought batteries but I have yet to set it up.

Egg nog on the house!

2005-12-20T08:29:00.000-05:00

Hmm... how best to describe the funky weirdness surrounding this season of joy and mirth? Perhaps silence is golden, or quiet solitude is a gift given with love from God Himself. Either way, I am blessed and convicted to trudge on in my personal quest to give as much love as I receive, albeit in forms such as solidarity and fidelity rather than anything more tangible. What better gift we give to the Prince of Peace this holiday season than love and protection under his commandment of love? I cannot think of anything more beautiful than loving my brothers and sisters as we are all under God for His purpose somehow.

So, full circle 'round... hug your neighbor or help an elderly person.... offer assistance to the mother with too many packages and the screaming tiny tots... sing a Christmas carol or hum it quietly to yourself while in line so you don't snap at those around you who are crowding your personal space. Maybe, just maybe we can give as good as we get and our New Year will be blessed all around.

Until later... I wish you Peace.

Whoa Nelly!

2005-12-04T08:31:00.000-05:00

I have inadvertently discovered that Calvinism makes sense to me! I never looked at it much, and I am not much for reading real books these days.

If I were anyone of importance, the Catholic Church would have excommunicated me by now. Now I don't know what I want to do, but I discovered something profound for myself today that I need to write on my whiteboard-- "What does God want?" That is my simplistic way of explaining to my brain that this is not about me. This life, this world and all its trappings... it ain't about me and what I want or anyone else on the face of this world.. it's all about what God wants.

Wow. Could it be that simple?

My mind is in overdrive so I must take my mother's simple advice and do some sewing today. Mindless stitching may help the creative and analytical mind to slow down. I am not one to approach anything slowly, but I will give it a fair shot today.

Alrighty now!

2005-12-04T03:21:00.000-05:00

"What to do, what to do, pity the ladies-in-waiting, pity the gentleman too 4 ... 6... 8... "

15 years later I can still literally hear Once Upon a Mattress tunes in my brain. Now if only I recite the Mamalogue I'd be set for a revival!

I'm looking at one heck of a crossroads right now, perhaps more complicated than any I have faced so far, and certainly one of my most difficult.

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Not especially a Christmastime topic, but I'm moved to talk about it, so have a seat, pick up your favorite beverage and gather round for a listen.

Forsaken defined is: 'to be left entirely' . What a powerful word with an even more powerful connotation. How utterly alone Christ must have felt in that one moment, how human and frail.
For a split second, God's Son felt doubt. How could his life be completely human aside from his divinity without that moment of doubt. And let's not forget fear. How afraid Christ must have been, he knew he was innocent of any real crime but he CHOSE to die for our salvation. Wow.

This past year has been a doozy in both the world and my own personal life. Cities have been washed away, lives lost to war, famine, disease, I could go on and on. The struggle of good and evil is painfully obvious, and yet many choose to ignore and live the 'rat race' lifestyle to which we have sadly grown accustomed. We choose to ignore Christ's sacrifice for us and our lives are left worldy and empty with no real satisfaction. I know I am guilty of it, of wanting more, better, shinier, prettier. I try to pass it off jokingly, but there is real envy and evil and anger, tools of the Enemy at work in each of our lives. So many people in this world question the existence of God, but how many would question the existence of pure evil? If you can accept the existence of the problem, why on earth can you not accept the solution? There is one problem: sin. There is one solution: salvation from that sin in Christ. Other solutions may or may not be permitted at the discretion of the Creator. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that God does, and there will come a day when we all get to hear His voice and know all those answers and we will feel shame, and then thankfulness, because as the Son of God, Christ chose to live perfectly and die so that we may be saved.

Praise God, we have a chance, a shot at eternal life, and all it requires is a choice and God's grace covers it all. Is that really so hard or are we too stubborn and set in our own lives to make that choice, to ask for the Lord's forgiveness, have faith and live God's truth, not just pay it lip service. I think we have that shot, and I praise God for the opportunity to choose Him.

May God bless and keep you.

2005-12-03T22:31:00.000-05:00

Overdue for musings...

2005-12-03T20:33:00.000-05:00

My apologies, fair readers, for my lengthy absence. I must recommit myself to writing here more often, alas, real life rears its ugly head.

Enough said, without further ado, for your reading I give you an older poem of mine I recently rediscovered. Circa 1998-99

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Too many stars fade away
Into my pillow at night.
Mr. Sandman hasn’t visited me
In so many long weeks.
My eyes close, but the cerebral vision
That was mine when in slumber
Is no longer mine.
No dreams, no life, my death is near.
On the horizon the picture is just ahead.
Oh God, what I’d give for those solutions
What I’ve given already!
I will never regain that dignity lost.
Knowledge, faith and hope my only rewards.
Love and life are all I can believe in again.
A star is born tonight and I am with her.
A star was born and I am her still.

Philosophical Ponderings

2005-10-16T04:56:00.000-04:00

Everything is what it is, no more, no less. It’s a simple concept that this earth has never fully taken to heart.

Throughout all time, wars have been fought and blood shed, over what amounts to the age-old battle of good vs. evil. The apocalyptic tales of various religions, the rewards for a good life, and the punishment for evildoers has existed since the dawn of time, and it’s no matter how that beginning happened. We debate, we kill and have wars in what amounts to differing perceptions of good and evil, perceptions that have become so etched in stone on all sides, that all that is left is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Imagine, the world in all its various infinite wisdoms, in all its glory and riches, in all its agony and its sorrow, for naught. We want to know the reasons why things work, how they have come into being and how we can manipulate the earth’s resources to create something we perceive as ‘better’. We place value on riches of various forms and importance, and wage war, raze buildings, and in the most literal of contexts, rape Mother Earth in order to achieve our goals. Religions, governments, ages of philosophy, art, and literature; all serving in some capacity to support that addiction to being right and just, moral, Godly, ad infinitum.

We have boundaries, at each and every level of human existence: personal space, personal property, and national boundaries. The world seeking to apply a manifest destiny across the skies and below the ocean’s waters. Nothing ever enough to satisfy one’s thirst or hunger for more while those of less stature and importance to this struggle hunger and thirst for survival, forgetting all about the dreams of more and better because it is a unknown concept. We ridicule our differences in an attempt to regulate each other in all aspects of life and happiness, never acknowledging the differences as unique and inspired, forgetting all of history and culture, instead focusing on that which achieves all that is more, and therefore good in the perception of the powers of man and not the powers that be. Twisting and torturing the powers that be, into shells for bullets instead of their natural intent.

The answer is indeed 42. And the question already no longer matters, in a world too bent into themselves and their respective societies to listen. Six multiplied by seven… a symbolic gesture, if you will, of numbers in western society that have a value attached in to them as good and evil. Does the question matter anymore, or are we completely doomed to the self-fulfilling prophesy of the apocalypse? The end of the world is indeed at hand, this world in all its infinite wisdom is taking care of that. I pray to my personal concept of God: a God of love, with a message of peace, that we realize this before it’s too late, but in terms of the world as we know it, it already is.

In that, it is better to give our children blank drawing paper and crayons than to give them a coloring book and instruct them to color within the lines, so too children of the world would be better off with a blank slate and an infinite number of crayons to create their own dreams from scratch, that to futilely continue or fix continue destructive mindset that has been left for them.

2005-08-04T23:13:00.000-04:00

Delicate hands

soft delicate hands
interweaving fingers between each
long tapered one of my own
like inextricable tapestry
woven softly with love

weathered calloused hands
enjoy the familiar softness
the warm, supple tenderness
yielding to their comforting caress
as a quiet sigh escapes

in perfect harmony they release
only to return as a cradle for faces
with eyes content to gaze
just as the sands of the shore
acqueisce to the ebbing of the ocean

their tapestry never complete
hands thread between long tresses
and shorter wavy curls
blue waters meet the sandy shore
until they allow their sun to set

then in the quiet solitude of darkness
lips part to become one with another
hands gently moving to the other's rhythm
capturing the other for but one scene
of their continuing tapestry of love

Ok, here goes

2005-08-02T16:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, I think I shall use this for some of my poetry and such, see if I like it cuz I can' t remember why I stopped writing in my other one in the first place. Happy reading!